Friday, February 12, 2010

With this Ring I Thee Bled

A couple days ago I noticed what looked like a little welt on my ring finger, past my knuckle. Well, I put some antibacterial ointment on it and didn't think anything of it but this morning, I realized my finger had become so swollen I couldn't even take my ring off.

So, I see the company medic and sure enough he tells me to go the clinic. I get there later in the afternoon and they look at it, squeeze it and then tell me my ring has to come off because if it continues to swell the ring will cut off my circulation. At this point, I can't even get the ring to come up to my knuckle, my finger is so swollen. It's also incredibly painful and the welt on my finger is incredibly tender.

The docs tell me if they can't get the ring off it will have to be cut off. It's an old plain cheap gold ring, Tatiana got me when we first got married. It's got scratches all over it because I wear it all the time and everywhere I go. Tat has offered to replace it numerous times but I'm sentimental about it.

So, I'm like no waaaaay they're cutting off my wedding ring. They bring a tub of ice to see if it will decrease the swelling. Well after ten minutes of holding it under ice the swelling still hasn't gone down one iota. The only thing it managed to do was slightly numb my finger. So, I start tugging on the ring. The real trick is to twist it. It hurts like no tomorrow and I'm making these grunting noises that sound like an angry constipated bear growling in pain. People in the other patient rooms said they could hear me and thought someone was being tortured in there.

I get it to the knuckle and it's still impossibly stuck on my finger, so I twist even harder and eventually after a lot more grunting I get it off. Whew!

Well, another Doc comes in and she says they want to try and drain whatever is causing the swelling. So now, they come back with an 18 gauge needle. After dabbing some anti-septic on it, they stab the welt on my finger twice in two different spots. It's on a very tender part of my finger so that's painful as all get-out. I'm like, "Rawwwwwwwwwwggggh!" and then one of the medics takes two fingers and squeezes hard where she stabbed me and then I'm like "Awwwwwwwwwrgggghhhh-rawwwwrl-Ha-duuuuu-ken!"

Then another Doc takes a look at it (a Major) and she says to the medic, "'re not doing it hard enough."

I wince. She grabs hold of the finger and squeezes it like no tomorrow and I'm like "Greeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnhhhhhh!" and blood is just pouring out of my finger in a big puddle. Nothing else comes out...just blood. Lots of blood.

So, they put a band-aid on my boo-boo, give me some antibiotics and set me off on my way.

If you want to really know what it feels like, take a hammer to the end of your finger and smash it as hard as you can dead-on...a couple times.

At least, I've still got my old wedding ring.



Monday, February 1, 2010

Happy Anniversary Tatiana!

How we Met (According to Richard)

I knew when I first saw you I wanted to get to know you better.
Of all the girls in the club that night, you were the one that looked the meanest.
Your eyes were beautiful yet fierce and the look on your face said,
"Why is that weird guy staring at me?"
...even though I was being totally nonchalant so there's no way you could have
known I was secretly checking you out.

I knew I would need a strategy. I looked around the club for something I could use.
A piece of wet string hung off the bottom of the chair...yes, that would do.

On a bar stool, a delivery man had left a clipboard and some papers held together with...
Yes! A paperclip!
On an abandoned table was a half-drunk Appletini with a little toothpick umbrella. Double-Score!
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do! Taking the paperclip, the string and the umbrella (after finishing
the Appletini) I fashioned together a primitive grappling hook. I closed my eyes. This had to work...

Well, whatever happened that night... (I don't fully remember because I blacked out after the Appletini)
...worked because here we are now. We've been married for 8 years. We have four wonderful children Ryan, Leilani, Ian and Gabriella (my own little fire-team! I'll inject them all with Super-Soldier Serum once they're of age...10) and a cute little chihuahua named Mr. Bark McYappers. Well...okay. We don't have a Chihuahua for real...yet anyway.

We've had some good times and we've had some bad times. We've had hard times and we've had harder times. Remember, that time I was really thirsty and I drank a whole bottle of apple juice and then all of a sudden I didn't feel well? Well, that's when I learned too much of a good thing can actually be bad. I also later realized the same principle applied to excessive amounts of cheese. Learning hurts.

You're my compass...because you're so COMPASS-ionate. You truly are an honest and caring person. You're genuine and you're selfless. You make me want to be a better man...which is unfortunately what led to the Bionic Man Debacle of '03, which involved me, some parts I got at the hardware store, a welder and an insanely hair-brained scheme. That was some ambulance ride though!

No matter what happens between us I will always love you. Not even that time you kneed me in the groin after I tried to lay a finger on your crispety-crunchy Butterfinger (TM) could make me love you any less. There is literally nothing in this world that I would trade for your love. Not even a Klondike Bar.
I love you that much.

That night I first saw you I knew you were the one for me. And after I fought off those Ninjas in the alley who were after an ancient Dragon Scroll which had the ability to give whoever recited the words one pure wish, and you swooned and fell into my arms and our lips locked tightly together...I knew you were mine, always and forever. What became of that magic scroll you ask? I tossed it in the trash...because I knew I already had the one and only thing I ever truly wanted. 

I love you Tatiana.

Happy 8th Anniversary!

~Rich (aka Forrest)